And This is Crazy

Let me introduce myself. I am in my thirties (never mind the specific year), I'm married, have no kids (but I have two beautiful cats, Astrid and Mabel), and I live in Virginia. I have a PhD in Physics, Particle Physics to be exact and I have done all this with a significant mental illness. I've been told many diagnoses over the years and I think the closest I can say is that I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. Some professionals feel more strongly about one or the other but those seem to come up the most. So I just say I have those two. I am on meds, like so many others. I take Lamictal, Saphris (better know as Ass-phris because it is nasty), Zoloft, Remeron, and Buspar. At this point I could probably drop one, maybe two but I am currently stable (thank FSM!) and I don't want to mess with things. I have had ECTs before but not since 2008. They were helpful but I have managed to live without them in the past couple of episodes, luckily. I have had more hospitalizations than I can count (we're up in like the 15-20 range at this point). I had a psychiatrist point out that was a lot (thank you!) but surely they've seen worse. I have tried to kill myself many times, some more severe than others but none even close to successful. When I'm not suicidal, I'm grateful for that. I had one psychiatrist point out that my method of choice was stupid (again, thank you!). I don't plan on going back to that hospital. You can argue that I don't really want to die, and there might be some truth in that. I am afraid to die but sometimes living with myself is unbearable. It's hard to explain why. I just hate myself. Sometimes that makes me sad but it's true. And this is a really long intro.